Skip to content

These are the types of dreams I have

So I’m rushing down the hallway on the second floor of our school. And I’ve gotta take the mother of all pisses. I was the first one out the classroom door when the bell rang, even though I sit in the opposite side of the room, it was so bad. I rush through the bathroom and it barely registers that it’s occupied by four white guys just standing around, three rapping and one of them in the middle of the semi-circle breakdancing. I don’t care, I really gotta pee.

I duck into the first of the stalls with the sit-downs in it, and it’s the funky triangular shaped corner stall. For some reason they put a handicapped accessible stall in last year as an afterthought, even though the only elevator in the school merely goes from the first floor down the the basement, or up to the projection room for the auditorium. I unzip and take a quick carefree aim and start to blast the bowl when I hear somebody jimmy the lock, and the door squeak open.

“What the F-” I start, and I almost turn around, but remember what I’m doing. I try to glance back over my shoulder, but am unsuccessful because he’s already around the other side.

That goddamn breakdancer leans against the handicapped person’s rail along the wall and starts rapping some of a couple of different “Atmosphere” songs. They’re good songs, but are being recited badly, and one does not generally expect to have someone stroll into the stall and start butchering rap songs while one is draining the main vein.

So I turned on him. What would you have done?

I stared low but was quick, leaving a trail from the bowl along the floor to his right leg, and by the time I worked up to his waist to make it look like he pissed himself, he’d gone silent, and from incredulous to super fucking murderous. I had a good 50 lbs. on him so he thought twice about attacking me, but I guess he figured I deserved likewise what he was getting. Because he then whipped it out and hit me in the chest with his own stream.

That did it. I stopped pissing (and for a guy, you know how fucking hard this is to do?). Goddamn near impossible, and it hurts like the dickens.

Took one step over while winding up, and socked him right in the stomach. As he doubled over, I grabbed the back of his head and pitched him the rest of the way over at the toilet bowl. His head bounced off with a satisfying *THUD* and I then bothered to pull my pants up and zip the fly.

I know the other three are right outside the door. So I take a deep breath and dash out the door, grabbing the nearest two in headlocks and pushing their faces into my pee soaked chest. The third, I take down with a two footed slide to the feet and shins. I twist out of the way so he doesn’t land on me and I fall to my side, keeping their faces pressed in the pee spot and use one to cusion my fall.

The one I swept scrambles for the door and I climb back into a standing position and I take off after him. But not before giving the bastard I didn’t land on a swift kick to the stomach in passing.

Just outside the bathroom there’s a railing and a small flight of stairs down to a landing, leading to the longer set of stairs down to the first floor. Bastard #3 goes to vault the railing, but I catch up to him just in time to snag his ankle. But he’s already committed to the jump and he’s let go with his hand. The momentum pulls me to the railing, but my foot stops me when it hits the rungs. His body swings out and he twists in the air looking back at me in horror.

I let go.

He falls the few feet to the landing butt first, narrowly missing a group of students rushing up the stair so their not late to class. He lands hard on his tailbone, knocking the wind out of him, so all he can do is gasp instead of scream. They hurry on and leave him cringing in pain when they look up and see me unzipping to finish my piss.

So I pissed on him, what would you have done?

Then I wake up…


and man, do I have to go to the bathroom.  Read the original appearance and commentary there.