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Cut and Dry

Marriage is a lot more and a lot less than we want it to be. On the one hand, it’s the perfect union of souls, two persons brought together in a common bond, pledging to sacrifice and work together to make something beautiful and lasting. Not lasting for a few years, but for the rest of their lives. On the other hand it’s a horrible albatross that is slung around your neck, where you finally get to see this person you’ve decided to “spend the rest of your life with” in all their flaws, annoying and many times self-destructive habits, and they have access to your money. And oh, the arguments you’ll have but that’s what books are written about. So, most people say that marriage is worth it if you stick with it, through the bad, and enjoy the good times. I personally wouldn’t know, as I have not stumbled down the aisle hung over and wishing I were already dead. I’ve also read that money is the cause of most arguments in a marriage, and so that is why this prenuptial agreement I wrote deals with so many monetary issues. I know that people change their minds, that they have the right to do what they wish and pursue their happiness. But I do not wish to wake up with a wife that all of a sudden decides that “I don’t want to be with you anymore, leaves me after 10 or more years of marriage, plunging me into a financial black hole and limiting access to any children we may have had together, all the while milking me for my hard earned money until the children turn 18 or graduate school (whichever comes last). Therefor I wrote this, in as clear of a “lawyer speak” language as I could muster. I tried to outline a fair and just arrangement where whoever decides to enter a marriage, would be contractually obligated to be financially responsible, and if things ever were to end, and any wrong were to have been done, then things would end more or less evenly or fair. Here goes…

Section I. Monthly Finances and Bill Payment

1. The basic necessary monthly financial obligations will be paid first, before any other obligations are to be dealt with. Rent/House Payment, utilities, groceries, etc. These monthly bills will be tallied for each month, and the payment of the total amount will be divided by the percentage that each party’s total monthly income is compared to the total combined monthly income. This will make sure the burden of all the total month’s bills shall fall on the backs of each person, husband and wife, equitably. For example, if monthly bills were $1000 in total, and monthly income was (1200) husband, and (800) wife, then the total combined “family income” would be $2000, the husband would have earned 60% of the gross income (not net), and the wife 40%, therefor, the husband would be responsible for $600 of the monthly bills and the wife, $400. If the lady of the house earned more than the husband, then she would contribute more to the payment of said monthly bills, but never above 50% of all basic monthly expenditures if the house was in his name, and vice versa.

2. Both spouses will set a time to get together and write out checks to pay the various joint monthly bills. This will occur at least twice monthly, and at one of these meeting times they will discuss what they have planned for their money, what they are saving towards, how far along are they towards purchasing what they are saving for, ideas for nights out on the town, entertainment, or vacations (etc…), unless they are a surprise or gift, then said vacations or items being saved for should not and are not necessarily to be disclosed. The exact amounts of these do not necessarily need to be disclosed, but it should be sort of a “financial state of the union” meeting.

Section II. Debts

1. Any debts brought into the marriage will be considered the responsibility of the person who had obtained them before said union had taken place, even if said union were to end, those debts are never to become any part, not half nor even full responsibility of the other partner in any circumstances. The house payment figures as a monthly expenditure, and the spouse that does not own title to the house will still be expected to contribute to it’s payment because rent is usually a necessary evil no matter where you live.

2. Any debts taken on jointly within the marriage will be paid equally if the purchases involved in taking on said debt will benefit both partners equally (i.e. home furnishings, durable goods, etc, but excluding vehicles unless they are shared at least nearly equally by both parties).

3. Any car loans for personal vehicles will be paid by the party who the vehicle was purchased for, regardless of any occasional but not lengthy use by the other party, unless the vehicle was obtained as a gift for the other party. There will be no “co-signing” for automobile loans by either spouse. If one or both of the spouses wish for a certain vehicle, then if they cannot obtain a loan for it on their own, then they obviously do not need the vehicle (etc…) or they wait and save and try to fix their credit to the point where they would be able to obtain said loan.

Section III. Savings and Checking Accounts

1. At least one joint savings and at least two separate checking accounts are to be established, besides the joint checking account which is to be used for the shared monthly bills. The joint savings account will be built up within the first year of marriage, at least to the amount of money needed to cover all monthly bills, normal expenditures, and debt payments for both parties for a period of not less than six months in case of injury, illness, or incapacitation of either or both spouses. The separate checking accounts will be for the payment of monthly bills, debt payments, etc, not considered to be joint obligations. Individual car payments, credit cards, loans, and any and all other personal purchases for the individual parties fall under this designation. Each may keep whatever savings or investments as they see fit in any other account, separate or joint, as long as said account does not expose the other spouse to any sort of liability, penalty, or financial obligation of over $50 per $1000, up to a $500 limit.

Section IV. Insurances

A. Health

1. Health insurance will be through whichever spouse is able to obtain a better plan through their employer. The employee contribution, if any, will be split equally between the two spouses, not by the amount of increase in the weekly or monthly contribution since changing to the “family plan”.


2. Both spouses may carry separate health insurances though, and it may be smarter to do so as if one spouse loses their employment, the other will not lose their health care and hopefully will still be able to get health care continuing without a gap in coverage for the other spouse.

B. Property, Home, Vehicle

1. These insurances will be grouped if possible to receive the best discount, and at the minimum will be for the lowest possible rate for replacement coverage of property and home and vehicles. If a vehicle is owned outright, the coverage may be dropped to a somewhat low “liability” policy, but medical and property policy totals should not be low enough to expose the policy holders to any extra payment or liability. (the policy should have limits that would replace a luxury car, and pay up to a quite large amount in case of accidental death, injury, or hospitalization of any other parties so that no personal assets are ever seized to resolve payment issues to other parties). Each spouse will pay their share of insurance based on which vehicle is their primary transportation and/or pleasure vehicle to fulfill the total billing of the policy at the time of billing (I.E. 6 months at a time for car insurance, 12 months at a time for homeowners policies, etc.) unless illness or job loss or some other circumstances occur that would make it prudent to drop coverage to lower amounts to save a significant amount of money.

C. Life

1. Each spouse will start a life insurance policy, in any amount they desire and are comfortably able to afford, or they shall keep a savings account that shall be built up as full as necessary to take care of their funeral arrangements and/or leave an inheritance should any accident, or incident take their life. Disability insurance should be looked into in case either spouse was to be temporarily or permanently incapacitated or disabled but is not a requirement. Both spouses shall also have a “living will” or “power of attorney” whatever type of arrangements they wish for distributing their estate(s) and handling their affairs upon their deaths, and appointing a person or persons to make any medical decisions for them if they are unable to make the decisions themselves whether it be the other spouse or any other close family member or friend.

2. If children planned, or just happen, then their futures should be assured in case of the death of one or both spouses. So, it is a requirement that the spouses purchase a (term or full) life insurance policy (joint or separate) [I’m not sure which one is better, (term or full), one is, and the other is a fucking ripoff, so whichever one is better is the one to purchase, I don’t feel like looking it up right now] and will keep said policy through the child(ren)’s 18th year of age.

Section V. Assorted Rights and Privileges of Marriage

A. Sex

1. Neither spouse shall withhold regular sexual intercourse, unless by medical necessity for a period of longer than one week. This is not contractually obligated that sex must be had at least weekly or any set number of times therein, but it shall not be withheld any more than a week by either party unless a medical problem, some health necessity, or treatment precludes one or both partners from engaging in any of these activity. This also does not mean that sex cannot be refused sometimes, just that

B. Children, if any

1. Any pregnancy will be planned and agreed upon by both spouses. In the event of an unplanned pregnancy the child should be kept or put up for adoption, but this is also to be a mutually agreed upon decision. Any pregnancy or childbirth will be accompanied by a paternity test to be certain of the father, and the best available prenatal care (and doctors) and delivery type will be chosen by the mother as finances allow.

2. The raising of the children will be in a protective yet open environment, and strong efforts will be made to instill each child with a sense of responsibility, morals, honesty, and to educate them to the best of their abilities through at least the end of high school with as much a portion of both spouse’s disposable income is comfortable for the family.

C. Gifts

1. Gifts will be given by each spouse on Christmas, the respective birthdays and the wedding anniversary each year. (thanks for the suggestion Jesse!)

Section VI. In the event of a divorce/dissolution etc.

0. No divorce or dissolution will be granted except in the event of one or both spouses cheating on the other. Even then, at least one year of marriage counseling will be required by a professional, who has at least 5 years of marriage counseling experience. This counseling will be at the expense of the spouse who cheated, chosen by the non-cheating spouse; or if both did cheat, they shall share the expense equally, and find a mutually agreed upon counselor. Counseling may also be sought if problems arise and become so troublesome that it would be impossible or damaging to one or both partners to remain in the marriage. In this instance also, the expense shall be shared and the counseling performed by a mutually agreed upon counselor.

A. Assets, Debts, and Credit

1. Any and all assets brought into the marriage, will remain the property of the person who brought the assets into the marriage, regardless of the use by one or both spouses.

2. Any and all debts incurred during marriage will be the obligation of the person who secured them, while joint loans shall have the balance split 50/50 while obtaining new loans for each separate spouse in their respective individual names.

3. No draining of any bank accounts, stealing, hiding of cash or assets, losing, shredding, or otherwise obfuscating documents or destroying of property held singly or jointly by the spouses is to be done. Doing so will subject the spouse guilty of doing so to penalties in the amount of all shared savings and a monetary award to be determined by a judge from the guilty to the injured party.

4. No actions or inaction will be taken by either of the divorcing spouses to harm the other physically, monetarily, or especially to cause black marks on credit reports or lower the other party’s credit score.

5. Also, there will be no refusing to pay or contribute toward any of the monthly bills and/or the separate financial obligations. Nor shall there be any attempt to stop payment on legitimate bill payment checks, no stealing of mail or any other actions of sabotage or revenge by either party.

6. No charges or purchases shall be made, especially on credit cards (at all on any joint credit cards), or on any lines of credit (unless not a joint account, and such charge is absolutely necessary). The only acceptable charges are to be for normal or necessary monthly expenditures like gasoline and other smaller purchases, or for an extreme emergency, that said party will be fully responsible for, since it is their card those purchases are being made on. This includes any charges for lodging, food, clothing, etc made by either party during any time of separation or divorce proceedings.

B. Any Children and Support

1. Custody of any children resulting from the marriage is to be evenly shared between the spouses, unless it can be proven to the courts that one of the parents uses illegal substances or abuses legal ones and that it would cause harm to the child(ren) to allow them to stay in their care. (note: moderate consumption of alcohol on non-working days is not grounds for denying shared or single custody, but prescription medication addiction is). No child support will be paid from either spouse to the other regardless of the respective spouses’ earnings, financial situation, or the state and/or federal laws usually governing such payments or benefits. Even if one parent is granted FULL custody, no child support is to be paid to the party who gained custody of the child(ren). If children were from previous relationships, and were brought with one of the spouses into the marriage, they will be given in full custody of the biological parent unless that parent is deemed unfit. If the child was adopted by the other spouse that is not the biological parent, then said child will also be under said guardian’s care and joint custody rules will apply, and no monetary support will be received from either spouse to the other spouse in this case either.
(note: ultimately the decision is the child’s, but no coaching, bribing, tricking, lying, or any other means are to be used by anyone to try to coerce said child to choose the biological parent, or the joint custody options.)
2. No alimony will be paid by either spouse to the other, regardless of the number of years the marriage has lasted, nor will any income gap or state laws defining a right to said alimony or other benefits ever override or have any bearing or relevance on this agreement.
I, the undersigned, hereby do agree to follow the rules outlined in this contract, in attempt to make a fair and equitable marriage, and also forfeit any and all rights granted by the government to married couples in the event of a divorce except those which are outlined in this legal contract above.

Signatures_______________              ___________________

Witnesses________________             ___________________

Lawyer for top signature on left.


Lawyer for top signature on right.



Please note:  This story was originally published on the Mentally Incontinent Reader Stories section, here: , go to read comments if you so desire.